Sending Updates to Your Child’s Birth Mother

Updates are important because birth mothers enjoy watching their birth child grow up.

What do I put in the update?

  • Write a letter. It’s important to include a letter in each update. Talk about what your child is doing lately, what he/she likes or doesn’t like, and any exciting things that have been happening in your family. Also ask questions about her life so she can feel welcomed to write a letter back. 
  • Pictures. Include several pictures of your child, especially if you don’t have any phone communication.

When do I send updates?

  • Your contact agreement may specify when to send updates, but if it doesn’t, you can stick to this schedule:
    • 1 month
    • 3 months
    • 6 months
    • 9 months
    • 1 year
    • 2-3 times per year after the first year.
  • It may seem difficult to think of things to send in multiple updates, but don’t overthink it! Your child’s birth mom will enjoy any news and pictures she receives.

Am I making my child’s birth mother sad by sending updates?

The short answer to this is no. But sometimes, seeing a picture of the child she placed will make her sad. However, while it could bring initial feelings of sadness, this is all apart of her natural grieving process and you are not to blame. She may wait to look at the pictures until she is ready. She may not respond to your letter, or several letters, or even none of the letters. It’s important however, that you continue to send updates unless she specifically tells you to stop. Living with the choice of placing a child is difficult, but coping with a sudden end of receiving updates will make it more difficult. It’s important to send updates. 

Using Modern Technology in Open Adoption Can Make Sending Updates Fun

Because technology is evolving everyday, there are new and exciting ways to incorporate it into your open adoption communication.

  • Social Media
    You can create private Facebook pages or groups, and share photos 
  • Email
  • Skype and FaceTime
  • Phone Calls and Texting
  • Photo Sharing Sites
    • Snapfish
    • Shutterfly
    • Shared Private Blog

You don’t have to befriend one another on social media in order to use technology to communicate and send updates. It’s possible and easy to maintain healthy boundaries while opening up communication beyond regular U.S mail.

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